I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
