I've blown a few things in my day
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i think my cat just said my name.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
