The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
