Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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