Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
