So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
