my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
