My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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