we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I touched a dick in church today
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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