seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
