the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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