so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
