My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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