No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
