dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
