You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
