...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
