she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
