Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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