And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
