just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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