dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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