there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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