just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
