Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
