omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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