I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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