I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
