I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
