i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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