At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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