I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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