Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
