my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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