Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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