He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
