dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
