Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
