He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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