Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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