He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
