maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
