you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
