they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
