My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just googled if crying burns calories
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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