bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
