He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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