Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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