My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
