So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Randomize
